


Switch Up

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: April Fools' Day, Crack, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Mega Crack, Multi, Original Troll Character - Freeform, Reader Insert, Troll Reader, bloodswap, mindfuckery, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An utterly cracky story that must be read to be understood.  Don't take it very seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Switch Up

**A warning; this story is complete and utter CRACK. OOC, fancharacters, and ridiculousness ahead. Again, THIS IS CRACK. IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, IT IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH.**

The explosion was the first thing that informed you this was not going to be a good day.

 

Your couch shook violently enough for you to tumble off and hit the ground face first, banging your horns on your coffee table. You swore loudly while flailing around to find your book. When you did, and picked it up as you stumbled to your feet, you threw it against the wall. You’d lost your page.

 

“All right. Someone is losing their data.” you growled, storming out of your room and down the hallway to where you knew a certain group of trolls were conducting some kind of experiment. You had told them! Nothing that had a chance of exploding was a good idea! But nooooo, Karkat Vantas would neeeeever listen to the one Alternian (b/c) who had managed to hop dimensions BEFORE the Vast Glub happened and LIVED. Of couuuuurse they wouldn’t have anything good to contribute!!!!!

 

Okay, even you can hear the multiplication by five in your voice, so you better quit and actually find Karkat and chew him out.

 

The piercing scream you heard next made you jump high enough to hit your poor horns on one of the light fixtures. You yelped and clapped a hand over them, shaking your head to get rid of the buzzing in your ears. The same scream echoed through the corridors again, but this time you froze and racked your brain. That sounded familiar….

 

Oh shit, it was Calliope. How had she gotten mixed up in this?

 

You took off running, now concerned for your cherub friend. Maybe Caliborn had gotten out again, though you had been certain after what Dirk had done the last time he did he’d stay put. You felt a slight roll of nausea. Calliope could be hurt, or even...no, you weren’t going to think about that. He knows better. He knows since the last time you got into a fight with him and you may or may not have threatened to do various things to his internal organs if he got into any trouble again. You and Dirk were the only ones who could do that and get a reaction other than laughing.

 

You skidded around the corner and got a faceful of smoke along with a blast of heat. You yanked off your jacket and coughed into it, trying to use it as a makeshift mask. It became useless, however, when you dropped it upon catching sight of the door blown off its hinges. It was official; Captor and Vantas would die tonight. Even if their scary as fuck matesprits got involved.

 

You felt you way along the wall to get to the doorway, and stumbled in tripping over your feet. You could hear other people coughing as someone flicked the vents on and the smoke started dissipating.

 

“Is anybody dead?!” a panicked voice called out, punctuated by coughing. You rolled your eyes.

 

“Vantas, do you seriously think they’d answer you if they were dead?” you asked. The next moment, a crackle of psionic energy blasted through the room, pushing all of you back and whirling the smoke away. Sollux and Mejoda lowered their hands, exchanging a single fist bump before Sollux rushed over to the mauled electrical equipment and Mejoda floated over to you, a bit lower than she normally would. You guessed controlling that blast had taken a lot out of her.

 

“I apologize if we interrupted your study time, (y/n),” she said quietly, inclining her head toward you. You sighed and waved it off.

 

“Not a big deal. These guys would blow up the complex if someone didn’t keep an eye on them,” you stated, before remembering the other reason you had come running.

 

“Is Calliope here? I thought I heard her scream. Do I need to break out my ‘obscene novella’?” you asked. Mejoda gave a tiny smile, her patented ‘I know something you don’t’ smile.

 

“Funny you should mention that,” she said calmly, waving her hand and suddenly hovering a little higher. Karkat suddenly began to curse more loudly and fluently than you had ever heard him before, and another screech echoed through the room. The next moment, something small and very hard barreled into you like Nepeta on a sugar high. You hit the wall with a loud shriek and looked down to cuss out whoever had jumped you, but when you saw, you had trouble making your voice work.

 

Caliborn was hanging onto your neck, actually crying big crocodile tears and nuzzling into your shoulder. Calliope walked forward and watched him with her arms crossed and a strange look in her eyes. You just stared, open mouthed, at the cherub sobbing into your shirt. He was cold where he was touching you; like, _really_ cold. And his skin was hard, like an insect. You’d never actually touched one of the cherubs before, except in the middle of fighting in Caliborn’s case.

 

You were pretty sure you were going into shock, and those strange thoughts were a precursor to you having a complete and total meltdown. Then Caliborn looked up at you, tears sticking to his face. His eyes were huge, like he had just watched someone kill his puppy...or his servant. And they were also the wrong color. You must have hit your head.

 

“I must say, brother, I have a new respect for your viewpoint now,” Calliope said, grinning. There was a new hardness in her voice, and in her eyes. They were the wrong color, too, as were the swirls on her cheeks. Red. Cherry red, like how Caliborn’s used to be before they turned bright lime.

 

Caliborn wailed softly, burrowing into your shoulder. You dazedly handed him your sweater, which he used to dry his face off while still clinging to you.

 

“I’m so sorry, (y/n)!” he cried, shaking you a little to get you to look at him. For the first time since you had met him, you saw sincerity in his eyes. “I’m sorry for how horrible I was! Can you ever forgive me?”

 

“Don’t forgive him,” Calliope crowed, jumping up and down and clapping her hands like an excited kid. “I want to see his pain.”

 

You looked helplessly to an open mouthed Karkat, an amused Mejoda, and a regular Sollux, who was rubbing his temples. You then looked at Calliope, who was now examining her newly black pistol, and Caliborn, who was still crying.

 

“I’m pretty sure someone just voodooed me,” you mumbled, unconsciously rubbing Caliborn’s back to get him to stop sobbing. “I’m dreaming right now, which doesn’t make any sense because even in the Void dreams weren’t this confusing. Because if I wasn’t dreaming, then Caliborn would be trying to kill me and Callie wouldn’t be acting like she just got blue-staffed by Loki. I am vividly hallucinating and if I find out who did this I will castrate them.”

 

Calliope laughed. Karkat was now looking between the cherubs as well, a vein beginning to bulge in his forehead. Sollux was attempting to salvage the crumpled machine while swearing lowly. Mejoda had green light spewing from her milky eyes and curling around her, her Mind powers in full effect. The light circled around Calliope and Caliborn’s heads, neither of them appearing to notice. After a moment, the light disappeared, and Mejoda actually _giggled._

 

“It appears...hehehe...it appears that the cherubs have undergone a personality switch,” Mejoda said, chuckling. “As far as I can tell, they are now going to act in the opposite of their usual personalities. Hence the spontaneous change of blood color.”

 

You winced. Opposite Caliborn didn’t sound so bad...opposite Calliope, on the other hand….

 

You looked over at the newly redblood cherub. She was staring at Mejoda in shock, as was her brother, who had shifted in your arms. Calliope looked like she was about to kill someone, but she also looked kind of happy-

 

Back the fuck up, thinkpan. Caliborn. _In your arms._

 

You scrambled up so fast you hit your head for the third time in the last ten minutes. Caliborn hit the floor and looked up at you with the most pitiful look you had ever seen on anyone else. He looked actually upset that you’d let him go. Your blood pumper lurched in your chest.

 

_Pull yourself together, (l/n)!_ you thought in panic. _You already made up your mind that you wouldn’t let yourself pity either of them! It would be a huge mess!_

 

And oh fuck he was crying. Standing up at least, but crying; no, more like _sobbing_ into his clawed hands. And it hurt to see. You just wanted to grab him and hug him and help him stop crying and oh holy fucking bagel eating Signless on a pogostick you sounded cliche-

 

Oh shit shit shit your red feelings weren’t gone. Oh fuck you sideways. Fuck you, thinkpan! FUCK YOU!!!!!

 

“Oh shit, fire, and fuck a water-wingbeast,” you mumbled. You pulled the cherub back into your arms and began to shoosh him gently, thanking the ancestors that you didn’t have a moirail to upset with this action. Which apparently broke Karkat, as he literally toppled over the next second, curling into a ball and mumbling to himself. The only things you could make out were ‘fuck this shit, fuck all of this shit’ and ‘I want Kanaya’. Sollux ignored both of you, while arm deep in the machine and conducting a conversation with Mejoda, who was watching your situation with interest.

 

Caliborn sniffled slightly, and actually hugged you back, squeezing you tightly enough to make you gasp in surprise and pain. You’d momentarily forgotten how strong cherubs were. When he heard you, Caliborn quickly pulled away.

 

“I’m sorry!” he cried, stepping back and looking you over for injuries. You shook your head, attempting to both imply that you were fine and to clear the thoughts you were not meant to be having. Calliope was now glaring at you...wait, not at you, at Caliborn. She was hitting her gun against her palm in a way that you would normally interpret as innocent, but given what was going on, you were inclined to doubt that. You moved between the two as casually as you could, Caliborn hiding behind your shoulder.

 

Mejoda sighed, letting her psionic field drop. She walked toward the three of you and snapped her fingers, encasing you with glowing red and blue light. Caliborn grabbed onto you and whimpered.

 

“I suppose I can’t exactly leave you in this state,” Mejoda said mournfully, raising her hands. Green light played down her hands. “No matter how entertaining it may be.”

 

“I am rather pleased with this development,” Calliope objected, clicking the gun in her hand. She tried to fire at Mejoda, but she was unable to move her arm from her side. Mejoda shook her head.

 

“That’s because you’re not yourself, Callie dear,” she said, before a burst of green light filled the room. You fell gently to the floor, Caliborn’s arms still around you. Oh ancestors your head hurt. You could really use a sopor nap right about now.

 

_I’d advise you to get up now, before he wakes up,_ Mejoda said, her voice echoing in your head. You had to agree with her.

 

You managed to extract yourself from Caliborn’s arms, and rubbed your eyes while your vision returned. You glanced at the two unconscious cherubs, who now had the proper colored spirals on their cheeks again. You sagged in relief, before remembering a certain yellowblood who needed to explain.

 

“So, you could have just done that to begin with,” you growled at Mejoda, who raised her hands with her best innocent look on her face.

 

“I’m the Witch of Mind, dear. I could have prevented this from happening immediately,” she said cheerily. “But Terezi, Nepeta, and I both agreed it would be more entertaining to simply let it happen, and see your reaction.”

 

“Of course Pyrope would think my and my flushcrushes’ misery would be entertaining,” you mumbled, not noticing the sharp gasps around you from the pain in your head. “But why would Leijon want me to suffer?”

 

Mejoda had now puffed up in elations, barely holding in laughter. Who knew why. “You should know she would love to see a new ship sail. After all, (y/n) (l/n), you just admitted your feelings for them yourself.”

 

“No, I didn’t-” you started, flushing a deep (b/c), before recalling your last sentence.

 

“Okay, maybe I did,” you admitted grumpily. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it.”

 

“I think you will, darling. Look behind you.”

 

You turned, close to blowing a fuse from frustration and embarrassment, only to freeze and slowly blanch. The cherubs were awake, standing up, and staring at you with bright lime and cherry blushes on their face. Calliope was smiling a mortified smile, while Caliborn’s mouth was wide open in shock, disgust, and a little bit of...something. You, however, felt a little like your stomach had dropped out from under you.

 

The next moment, you were sprinting out of the room with a raging blush on your cheeks. It wasn‘t long before you heard two pairs of feet pounding after you. It was official; you were going to your block, contacting your human, and getting her to get the wind to take you to her house. You were never setting foot here again, and you were definitely not paying attention to the voices calling after you.

 

“(y/n), please wait!”

 

“GET THE FUCK BACK HERE BEFORE I FUCKING MAKE YOU!”

 

“Brother, stop it! You’ll scare them away!”

 

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, ‘SISTER’! THEY’RE GOING TO PAY!”

 

“Don’t give me that bull, Caliborn English! You seemed to be fine with the idea of seeing them in that picture you drew!”

 

“DON’T-DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT THAT!”


End file.
